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Life is all about choices.  We chose everything we do, say, eat and think.  Why is it some choices are so gut-wrenching?  I have to chose a midwife or a doctor….SOON!  Everytime I think about it, I feel like I’m going to vomit so I quickly switch gears and think of something else.  I have to figure this one out.

As much as I thought I wanted a home birth with a midwife, now, I’m just not so sure.  Maybe it is because I haven’t found a midwife that truly sings to my heart and soul yet.  Maybe I’m scared of the responsibility of having a baby in my home.

I think that if there is something causing this much stress within my body at the mere thought of my birth process that there is for sure some unresolved, underlying fear, doubt, intuition….   I have to give weight to this.  I can’t even recall another time in my life in which merely thinking briefly about a topic caused me to have internal physical strife like this.

I’ve been attracting and intending twins as my second pregnancy since before I was even married.  I’ve always thought that the “perfect” child order would be first pregnancy, 1 child, second pregnancy, twins, and third pregnancy 1 child.  Although I’ve wanted mostly girls, either sex would be fine.  Perhaps all of this physical reaction that I’m having is because I am in fact pregnant with twins and I won’t be able to use a midwife for my delivery outside of a hospital.

What to do??  I just think I’ll have to wait.  Wait and see what happens and where we go from here.  Perhaps a preliminary ultrasound would be best to see if there are twins in there afterall.

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