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This is my new motto. Live it, breathe it, just do it.

When we realize a pattern about ourselves, that we have not previously been aware of, we have two choices. We can choose to support that belief pattern and structure, or we can choose to change. Patterns get ingrained in our minds not only on an emotional level, but on a downright physical level also. Our brains form interconnected pathways of neurons and dendrites that precipitate our actions. I like to think of them as a subway line or track with stops. We get on at station (emotion) A and if we don’t pay close attention, all of a sudden we end up at station (emotion) Z and we don’t even realize it. With emotions and patterns, I think that the longer we have been “doing” them, the harder it can be to chose to get off at stop B (or C or Q) voluntarily. We turn into auto-pilot mode and then become disappointed, confused, hurt and upset when we miss the signs that could have helped us to get out earlier.

I recently have realized that a very traumatic past experience has been influencing my interpersonal relationships. This connection has enabled me to in an essence be “reborn” from the negative and hurtful pattern that I have been repeating for the past 18 years of my life. A pattern that has caused grief, loss, pain and suffering to those around me as well as to myself. Something that I previously felt lost at an attempt to explain, much less understand, is now very identifiable for me. I am excited for the future. A future that will be rich with life, love and happiness.

“Perception is reality, perception is reality.” 

How do we ever really know that the people we interact with are what they say they are?  How do know that they feel what they say they feel?  It is all subjective and we are all individuals in this random web of interconnectedness that we weave together upon this earth. I find that extremely emotional episodes in my life have tremendous ability to give perspective to a whole host of my own ‘isms’.

Yesterday was an emotionally charged day for me and it seems to have carried over into today.  I’ve not only lost someone who I thought cared about me as a friend, but I also found out that my sister-in-law is moving out in about 2 weeks.  The phrase, life comes at you fast seems to fit.

So what do I resolve?  I don’t even know at this point.  I feel numb and empty.  Like a shell without anything inside.

Finding the good that can come out of the pain of loss, finding comfort and healing. Our goals turn toward personal growth.  To feel pain after loss is normal. It proves that we are alive, human. We have to become stronger, while not shutting off our feelings for the hope of one day being healed and finding happiness again.

Why is it that we tend to ‘throw-up’ our emotional garbage onto the people we love the most?